POETIC FEELINGS FOR A MAN IN BLACK.

Hello blogosphere,                                

A man in black is usually someone with an impulsive nature where I come from.

This guy or lady will definately stop you even when you think you are a conservative law abiding citizen and in much of a hurry.

You’ll never know what a man in black has up on his sleeves, even if you think you already have all it takes to plead your case for something is always missing…………..

I’ve had lots of encounters with a man in black while observing my business all in the name of the law… sometimes I've been saved by grace but sometimes I've been so unlucky with my worst being when I had to do a community service the 9ja way for disobeying the red light.

I love the man in black because he's only human and sometimes it gets so worse when she is a woman. So I had a prank to take the poetic laws into my hands and I guess unlike me, it’s not so funny but that’s how it feels sometimes when you see the ugly side of a man in black.  check this out.....

A livelihood by the roadside

A staff in uniform looking so stark                                                  

Many people actually wonder if you represent lack

Or why the colour of your uniform like your mind is so dark

                                  

They hesitate when your hands says “halt!”

With the impression on their mind saying ‘’fault”

Unsure if you’re just another troubled beggar

Asking for a daily share of their ledger

As they fumble with the drawers in their car

With an expression, ‘’why’’

For a question they always hate to hear

“Where are your particulars?”(pidgin)

Or what they heared was “party cola”

And a reply they all know you like

No need to strain your ear

But search within the pockets of your gear

For the next hanging naira note

But in their minds they mime an angry reggae note

Saying

“Hey! Mr. Policeman”

“Why all this stress man!”

Is it bad belle (grudge) I feel for the ‘‘the man in black’’. I don’t think so jare! (yoruba). I lost my poetic license a long time ago but i guess I have just this one opportunity to be the law on my blog .lol

QUOTES                                                                               

This is a court of law, young man, not a court of justice. © Oliver Wendell Hommes

HOLY JOKES !!!

Certainly thought it was thanksgiving for my yankee friends and so I decided it was time for holy comedy. 

So I jumped into the church comedy manual to dig out all the hilarious I can find especially for you. So my people, abeg abeg abeg (Uti big brother) sit down, relax and enjoy.

One day a pastor and a brother took a visitor to their church on fishing trip in a boat,

Right in the middle of the lake the pastor said “it seems I have forgotten the fishing pole, I’ll be right back''and he immediately stepped out of the boat to the visitor’s amazement walking on water to the shore.

When he returned, the brother also said ‘I need to use the rest room, be right back’. The visitor watched in amazement seeing the brother also move in the same manner to the shore. On returning, the visitor then said ‘I need to use the restroom too’. As soon as he stepped out of the boat. He sank. 

The pastor and the brother now nodded laughing ‘'we should have told him where the rocks are'’. lol… photocopy no easy!(pidgin).

On the way to Sunday school, the Sunday school teacher asked her children why it is necessary to be quiet in church. One bright girl replied ‘’because people are sleeping’’.lol

Okay maybe this one will throw you off your seat?

A little boy was praying “Lord you know my name is Chinedu and I have been praying since January for you to make me a better boy”. Please, biko nu (Igbo), since you have not yet replied. Don’t worry Chineke (lgbo), I 'm having a very good time the way I am”.

If not, this one?

Another little boy was praying “Lord forgive us our trash basket, as we forgive those who put trash into our basket. Make our head like LAWMA (garbage truck) so that whenever we carry too much load. We can empty them at your feet when we come for service. And lord, please don’t forget to put lots of air fresheners in our church so that your angels will not run at the smell of our garbage.

Or this maybe this letter from a boy to his dad will do the trick,

Dear dad,

$chool i$ great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. I $imply can’t think of anything I need, $o I would like you to ju$t $end a card a$ I would love to hear from you.

Your $on

Dear son,

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task and you can never study eNOugh.

Dad.

Okay if you've not smiled or had a laugh while reading, I guess you need a dose of helium…han han (gesture).Oliver Twist!!!!....happy thanksgiving.(smiles).

 

QUOTES 
"You say, 'If I had a little more, I should be very satisfied.' You make a mistake. If you are not content with what you have, you would not be satisfied if it were doubled." Charles Haddon Spurgeon

"SHIT BUSINESS IS SERIOUS BUSINESS"

NDLEA OFFICIAL: You must shit...

INDIVIDUAL: I no go shit.

NDLEA OFFICIAL: You must shit today o.

INDIVIDUAL: Na by force, I say no dey shit.

NDLEA OFFICIAL: Whether you like am or not you must defecate o. 

INDIVIDUAL: If una like go call Jonathan, I say I no dey disintegrate o. (pidgin) lol.

Conversation ends.

Okay my people, I guess you’re thinking what this naughty guy is up to again. Really no fabs, just the many comedy questions of my continent and the green white green country.

Usually, I listen to Otunba Gadafi the owner of the 9ja company DMT toilets mention that shit business is serious business but never took him seriously until lately. I found out Otunba Gadafi was saying the truth following the saga of a 9ja popular TV comedian with the NDLEA.

If you think am joking about this "shit business", then you probably have not experienced the naughty side of this serious business yet. I usually imagine some scenario’s where this business has caused so many kakata (trouble).

You can imagine on a Sunday morning after the worship, midway the beautiful service while the pastor is giving us the word , this business suddenly visits right in the middle of the sweet sermon.(naughty imagination). lol

Or let’s say broda goodluck with his huge entourage in his many ajala (foreign) trips decided to join Osama, sorry I meant Obama and while having a press conference in the White House this shit business came knocking on broda Joe’s door during his speech.  Okay i know that can be handled with some form of presidential diplomacy.

But you know this shit business never gives you a warning at times. Usually it may give you a late signal which you must obey or cannot be contained. Ha! ha!  ha! 

I can recall a time the shit business came calling at my door at the wrong time while browsing the memoirs of my past. I had travelled to Cotonue- Benin Republic for the very first time you know to see what life was like there. I had all my Naija currency loaded and when I had changed the money to the Francs currency, I was fabulously fat in my wallet.

After enjoying my whole day visiting places and having a wonderful time, I decided to explore the night scenarios with my host which was interesting.  I remembered we got to this suya spot and I called the French “aboki” (friend”) to give me suya. I noticed their own suya had lots of chicken and other varieties. The chicken was so attractive and cheap, so I told the guy to give me a full chicken and another for my host.  I stinginly finished one whole roasted green peppered chicken suya that night all alone.

The next day after saying goodbye to my host, I took the next available bus to Lagos. Gann gannn!! (Action movie sound) this shit business decided I was the next victim on its list o. At every 10 kilometers interval from Seme border my people, it was serious trouble ooooooo. (Lol). This Kakata (trouble) made sure its knock on my door was so heavy that I kept the whole passengers waiting every time a gas station was in site. I usually told them I needed to go do some serious business . At some point I tried holding it, sweating in the process but alas! at a point I noticed my business was no longer secret as everyone kept looking back at where i was and telling me "sorry o". Kai (Hausa). lol

Finally, this business became so naughty; I had to drop down before we got to the final stop to join another bus to save my face 'cause everyone had labeled me “Mr Shit Business”. 

So when next you hear Otunba Gadafi say “shit business is serious business”, the guy is right o. Hmm!, last I heared the 9ja TV comedian is about to hit it big again in this shit business. So, who knows when NDLEA will detain next with the usual, ‘‘Mr. Man, oya shit!! ’’.

QUOTES

"Life is fun, so don't it take too seriously all time. Even your challenging moments could be a pill to put a smile on your face". Unknown

CHINESE LIU LU AND RAMSEY THEOREM.

Hi Everyone,


Chin Chua Cheng Chu Chung Chin Chang Chua (Speaking Chinese).
 

Forgive me, I've been speaking in funny tongues lately but recently been cracking my brains on what next to share on my blog until I discovered this story about a Chinese genius called Liu Lu.

Basically, I've studied most Chinese folks. I know they are usually talented mostly in the sciences, engineering and computing. I always phantom how good an average Chinese kid is with mathematics.

So I am forced to recall what my 9ja folks are known for.

Yep! football (small), music (growing), entertainment & comedy (at least), Banking (restructuring after tsunami), Fashion (we produce small but wear plenty o!!), corruption (cough! cough! , ask our excellent Otunba, UK friendly Ibori, excetera, excetera) .

I also recently recall some cool Naija blooded diaspora folks like Chris Aire. His jewelries are really bad and my guy you’ll also cough out some hard earned $ dollars to get any of his collection. 

I totally agree that Nigerians are doing Africa proudly globaly but back to my chinese story about Liu Lu (tongue twisting) before i forget . Liu Lu was actually a final year college kid who solved this mystery theory that no one had been able to prove for the past two decades just in a single night. It’s so cool that as a final year undergraduate student, he immediately got an offer from the same school for a postgraduate with a successive PHD in his field. 

Men!!!!, being a final year student in a 9ja University if I recall during my days(hmm). Your worry capacity at that time was high o, your lecturer smiling ability was second to none, your church going capacity increased and your praying ability if rated, was close to that of prophet Elijah o ..!! (lol). 

Okay, Liu Lu (yeee!! my tongue o) may have math’s solving skills but my guy an average Naija final year student will get a world medal when it comes to cracking personal or people relation skills due to the unusual experiences and encounters with lecturers. (Abeg no be joke).

I guess Liu Lu did have some extracurricular to deal with too and had extra time on his side to prove this math’s theory but my Naija blokes have cracked harder theories to graduate from our glorious Ivory towers when you sit down to listen to their personal account . If there are special awards for finally bagging a 9ja degree,  every 9ja graduate deserves one and an instant PHD offer shekina! (Hausa). `


See you in my next blog…keep on smiling for sure.



QUOTES

Those who believe they can do something and those who believe they can't are both right.
- Henry Ford

 

GETTING PAID WHILE LAUGHING !!

Hmmmm my people,

I ‘m really angry, sincerely I dey vex!! Ask me why? Life is a cheat…. a serious cheat o.

My blog people will wonder what is wrong with me this weekend. Okay, it’s the many questions of life ooo.

You don’t know what I am thinking …thinking, thinking, and thinking!!

Why is getting a good laugh suddenly becoming so expensive?

What is the definition of comedy in the literal sense in Naija? Pay me to make you laugh. (clapping!!)

Some years back I remember seeing two cheques mean't for Ali Baba (my guy) worth a handsome number and six figures by the side to perform in two shows for just 20-30 minutes each. Guess what?  I actually went for one of those shows with my friends and while everyone was enjoying their time. I was there counting 2 minutes...100,000 thousand, 4 minutes..200,000 thousand, 300,000 thousands, 400,000 thousand, 800,000 thousand, 1.. em, em!. My people within 20-30 minutes with people laughing at his jokes, “yepaaaa, money don finish oooo”! (Yoruba pidgin)

I was there shaking my head, telling myself “this people them no sabi anything” (pidgin). I saw bankers, telecoms gurus, advertising whiz kids and all the rest of them (book people). To my guy Ali B, every second in that room meant ego (money) and to us it was plenty work you know with some Sir's/Ma's in between and some heavy book titles like MSc, DDD, PDP, HDD etcetera etcetera…hmm!! . Everyday 5am to 9pm, driving back and forth o. (imagine!!!).

Then I watched AY recently performing his stunt in UK with everyone paying to watch his stunts. Okay, I know how hard it is for an average Iya Charlie (British Queen) friend of mine to let go off some notes of Iya Charlie (pounds sterling) without quickly browsing the exchange rate; they couldn’t resist AY stunts oooo. I remember being on the same flight from Port Harcourt with AY, my first time of seeing him in person. It struck me that AY was just a regular guy who knows how to make you laugh while emptying your pocket in the process.

Okay, so is life fair? Don’t ask me why I am angry again o …. Anyway, I rest my case but life is sweet!!!

My advice “Don’t be a comedian” but think twice next time your school teacher says.............. “what would you like to be when you grow up?” (lol).

Being a sharp Ajebo…….. I am already thinking, thinking and thinking!!! I know what to tell my teacher next time.. (laughing).

QUOTES                                                                               

Every thought we think is creating our future (C) Louise L. Hay

WHO WANTS TO BE A MILIONAIRE?

Hi everyone!

Okay its Sunday and I am thinking about being prosperous!

I bet everyman wants to be a Millionaire. Guess what, a Naija man is certainly an Oliver Twist and definately would not want to stop there until more zeros are added to hit the billion target which feels or definately sounds much much better. (lol!).

I reminisce on that popular American song “I wanna be a billionaire so freaking bad…..”(ego nmadu!!)

But today I’ll share this cool extract I got from a church comedy manual I found about a guy’s
conversation in the forest. The story goes………………

A man was walking through a forest pondering about life away from the busy streets to enjoy a
closer touch of nature and also feel closer to GOD away from the busy city life.

So while walking in the forest, he felt a little closer to GOD and felt God was actually listening
So he asked “God are you listening”
And a huge deep voice replied “Yes my son I am here”.

The man was a little convinced but still wondering if this voice was God’s and then pondering a little
with some curiosity he continued.

“God what is a million years to you?”
And then the voice replied “Well my son, a second to me is like a million years to you”

The guy continued walking and pondering on how he needed money so badly, looks up in the
sky and says “God what is a million dollars to you?’’.

And then the voice replied again “my son, a million dollars to me is like a penny. It has
 no value and to me that is so little.

The guy ( being an Ibo man) without thinking quickly looks up in the sky and said “God, can I have a million dollars please, since that is so little to you?’’.

And then the voice replied “wait just a second”.
The guy quickly recalling screams  ''a second, hope that ain’t a million years!!!!’’
(thinking deeply in his thoughts and saying to himself, "n nah man! this must be the devil ").

Muah!! I love Sundays, pretty cool day to have a swell time resting staying indoors, hanging out
or visiting the cinema’s whichever way you love it, enjoy the weekend....... (lol )

QUOTES

By the 7th day God had finished the work he had been doing, so on the 7th day he rested from all his work..... (C) The Bible

9JAAA AT FIFTY ONE !!!

Hey everyone (Smiles)

Waving the Flag (Green White green)

I would say it’s nice to be a patriotic citizen , hmmm!!!! if just for October 1^st.  Even the Boko Haram guys were patriotic ‘cause I actually heard no news of bombing scenes around 9ja (lol).

Okay let’s recite the new national anthem. Stand up wherever you are……as long as you be NaijA.

Whether you have a Blue, Brown, Purple, Pink, Yellow, Wine, Grey, Green, Orange or Black passport (Afghanistan my version).

NATIONAL ANTHEM:

Arise o Compatriots,

Jonathan’s call Obey,

To chop our fatherland,

With Fork and Spoon and Knife.

The labours of our heroes past,

Shall bring us Ghana must go,

With love and for our own children’s life,

One nation bound with PDP,

Patience and Plenty foreign trips.

Hip Hip Hip, Huraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!!!!!! (lol!)

Hey it’s damn good to be fifty One. Reminiscing on what stories we heard while growing up , from civil wars,  military constant drama’s of coup d’état  to Moshood Abiola’s political tussle for his mandate and the rebirth of democracy. Kind of freaky what 9ja went through  and is still standing as a united nation( wow!).

Guess what!!!! Congratulations to all my national friends representing for 9ja wherever, making something great with what you’ve got, time...Celebrate our nation @ fifty One.( abi you get another one) lol.

Good People, Great Nation..( strictly 9ja!)

QUOTES

"Ask not, what your country can do for you. Ask what, you can do for your country". (c) John F Kennedy.

A VISIT TO A HEAVENLY MANSION !!!

Halleluyah alleluai allleluiaaaaaaaaaaaaa!( still in yesterday's church mode)

You know my thoughts today is kinda special (Americana).

I know heaven is some place everyone wants to be. I guess we all want to except “the devil” lol (abi). Everybody is hopeful about it and preachers love to preach about it, telling all his congregation how fabulous this place is. All the efizi's you'll find in heaven if you just land there. So I decided to share my short vacation to heaven. Join me on my trip.

Kukuruku!! The cock-crow sound of a trumpet like funny echo waking me up on this soft extra large king-sized bed and then I heard a door knock, so I said “come in”. This white suited smiling guy walks into the room saying “good morning sir” and I smiled back with a ‘’good morning’’ reply. He quickly puts the big towel he brought on one oak desk at the far end of the large room and says to me the shower is ready with a smile. What will you have for breakfast sir? He continued and I said “anything on the menu list is okay with me”. Then he said to me, ‘‘I’ll set it with your favorite’’ leaving the room with this funny smile.

Then, I stood up from the very huge bed waving my hand in the process and out of the blue, I heard a song from my favorite artiste Asha (why can’t we!!) fills the room. I started dancing to the rhythm moving towards this door which had a strange design and a sign of the bathroom. I opened the door, wow! nice aroma (I beg this scent sweet o ooo!). I quickly ran, removed my clothing and jumped into this very big bathtub like a fish ‘cause it was already filled with this white like soapy water with lovely red roses all around. (Hmm!! oga ju). So I started washing and then I heard a knock and I said "come in". I saw the same guy with his usual smile bringing in a large white towel with a tray containing a wine bottle in gold bucket with a wineglass and placed it on the side of the small desk inside the bathroom saying politely “it’s all yours sir” smiling and before I could reply he had left closing the door gently behind him. (Na wa O!).

So I enjoyed my wash o, took almost ………Checked my empty wrist and the walls. Hmm…. noticed there was no time. After ifinished my wash, came out of the tub wrapping myself with the big clean white towel. I noticed my mouth was fresh clean and tasted like mint. I took the wine and immediately my fingers touched the bottle; it popped open (interesting!!!!).  It was chilled, so I served myself and gulped down enough wine, hmm…. tasted really nice (no be shayo oooo).

Then, I opened the door and the room was still filed with music but alas on my bed were 10 set of stylish clothes with blank white labels. On the side of bed I noticed 6 sets of different kind of shoes in diverse colours. I gazed around this huge room but observed the door of one of the big long cabinets in the room was half open. So I keenly moved to check out what was in it. To my surprise, I saw a lot of well hanged clothes of various colors and loads of white suites. I counted 10, 15, 20, 30, 40, 50...am tired jare. On the top side of the cabinet were enough shoes of various colors all in one size. I started trying on the shoes and the entire sets I tried on were my perfect size (hmm!!!). So I closed the cabinet and walked back to the side of the bed quickly tried on some of the clothes. I saw this one I liked the colour and it was a perfect fit.  I tried on this slim fit trouser that looked like a jeans which was a perfect match with the shirt and then completed it with one of the shoes that looked like a nice flat skinned loafers. I noticed all the clothes had similar delicate scent of my favorite perfume.

Suddenly, I heard a knock on the door and again I said “come in”. The same guy now walks into the room still having on his smile, saying “breakfast is ready” and I replied with a “thank you”. After I had finished dressing, I opened the door and I saw this long walkway leading to a big banquet hall. I followed the walkway noticing several big doors and a man smiled at me from afar signaling me to come. So I followed suit and I saw my smiling friend at the door which he opened into this very long gallery with a huge dining table lined with a variety of fruits and covered dishes in gold. I sat next to the guy who had waved me and settled down ‘cause I was feeling hungry and suddenly I heard this loud bang! Bang! Bang! I looked up, alas! It was my boss in the office banging on my desk (Msheeeew!!!!!).   I had slept off and she asked if I wasn’t going for lunch. Yawning!...... i stood up from my desk to go get something to eat 'cause i was hungry.

This story is fiction. (Smiles).

QUOTES

Everyone wants to go to heaven but no one wants to die, even my pastor ©Naija popular    rhyme.

THE NAIJA CELEBRITY- CANDID MOMENTS !!!!! PART 2

Vou Atus, Bon weekend my people!!! (French pidgin),

Hope you’re’ enjoying the month of September. Anyway sha, it’s cool to be back with you and back to my gist.

And then.... we noticed standing next to us was comedian Tee A and also with him was the fine boy Nollywood actor Kunle Afolayan also gisting. Before I could get the whole picture, I saw Tee A move swiftly and Kunle Afolayan also zoomed behind him to the Cocktail section which was close to where we were standing to form a line. My Friend quickly pulled me along to join them, since I was still forming my Ajebo as usual to my surprise hmmmmm!!!, the queue had elongated beyond my imagination. I saw Tee A and Kunle Afolayan quickly took their plates being the first on the line and started ordering the boys to load the plates with all the goodies on the long cocktail table. No mind me o, I quickly joined with my guy to order all the orderables until my plate was loaded (No dulling!!)

So we sat next to them at a table around the corner... the four of us . I , My friend Sur joining Kunle Afolayan and Tee A after completing our orders.We exchanged greetings with them and they replied while I made a comment to Tee A if he was enjoying his food. Tee A replied and said in pidgin “omo the food no bad make person quickly enjoy because I know sure if I go see another food chop tonight again o”. I also overhead him saying to Kunle “thank God say one quickly go collect before them finish the food o”. It was then it occurred to me that they actually came to stand close to the cocktail table not miss out on the meal ( anyway na over sharpness from past experience in the field).

The encounter I had with our Naija female artiste was a natural one. I mean natural in the sense that this female artiste actually answered a call to nature o. The female artiste by name was ''Essence'' my facebook love lady. I know no say nature o bad ooooo!!! like the rhymes of a popular Naija song.. ha! ha, ha!. Even my facebook love lady with all the full makeup and plenty fashion with paparazzi attention could not resist natures call.

Scheduled for a live performance at one event , I guess while waiting to be ushered to the stage, mother nature performed her magic on Essence. She paced to where I was to ask where she could find the loo (toilet my people).I knew whatever it was must be very urgent because the way she zoomed at my direction towards the restroom (toilet jare!!!). Ask me what I was doing close?

Anyway sha, I guess nature has a way of putting me close to where our Naija celebs are outside the view of the paparazzi’s and the red carpets. Consider these scenarios in your mind.

Dbanj still buys and eats roadside boli with some g nuts! (roasted unripe plantain and groundnut).

Genevieve could actually still be snoring out loudly while she's sleeping.

Sammie Okposo could still be bed wetting at the age of 17yrs.

Tu face could still be opening coke bottles for his American fans with his teeth.

Omawunmi...ha! ha! fit vomit if she eat salad o !!!

Etcetera, etcetera……………….. (As usual)

I’m not saying these scenarios are real (Naija artiste are muah!!!) except my various encounter has taught me that the Naija artiste is truly a Nigerian outside all the glamour.

QUOTES

The hall of fame where great individuals are made is usually a Unique curve; they follow an unpopular course to destiny.. ©Me, Myself & I