Cashless 9ja-Part 1

My people Nnna mennnn!!, Kedu Kodi (Ibo greetings)

I treasure my past competent meetings with my Ibo friend from the east. Ha ha! (no vex)

Okay but somehow this year, I have not blogged o. Imagine! omo boy has been chasing money seriously, na wa, since this subsidy issue oooo, hmm. Okay they say we writers have a disease called “writers block'' but my people, I no sabi (pidgin) if this one na subsidy block anyway hurray 'am back !!!!!!.

In my growing up years, i've had lots of contact with my people from the east, from my younger high school years, uptill my graduation from college, you know (oyinbo way). Imagine those our yeye (pidgin) NYSC people in Abuja who love playing tumbo tumbo(pidgin) poker with our names also deployed my face again to the east.

 

I love my Ibo Naija friends, who would give you great hospitality especially when they know you are coming from Lagos with plenty ego (money) to spend in the east (lol). No be small, even in the farthest villages in the east, the scent of a lagosian to the average villager is the scent of ego (money).

My plenty thoughts about ego(money) since January this year brings me back to my story on the recent policy of 9ja's economic loose cannon,  "Mr. CBN".

  

I just keep imagining how the word cashless would mean to my Ibo friends . Maybe you will  understand mypoint o view if you read these scenarios.

Nnamdi my ibo  friend would say to his wife who is asking for soup money. “I am very sorry Nneka; I don’t have any cash at home today.Abeg Nne (Ibo), you should understand we don’t carry cash anymore in this new dispensation.

Emeka my other friend I overheard telling his suppliers on phone. Hello Mr. Obodo,I can no longer come over with the money because we now run cash-less. You know I have to wire it through the bank and the bank manager told me the money may not arrive till, emmmmmm, around 2 months because of some heavy hold up on the internet (Imagine!!!!!!!)

Chinedu my distant imaginary cousin in church, just smiled at the beautiful usher when the offering basket was passed to him, saying. ‘I forgot my card on my way to church’. (If my God catch you).

Ogechi my invisible next door neighbor will not stop asking how she would cope with her many male customers who will now buy on credit.Wetin you dey think? (pidgin) abeg, na male clothes Ogechi dey sell oooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!

Truly, a cash-less or cashlite(whatever) economy is not a bad one o. My Naija blokes love spending ego (money) when it is in physical cash. Like traveling to America to buy a house with full payment in cash you know. (Naija way)

See you in my next blog when we imagine what the word ‘’cash-less’’ is to a truly born Amala man from Ibadan. Hmm, you wan try !!!!



QUOTES


The only way to make sense out of change is to plunge into it, move with it, and join the dance.
Alan Watts

POETIC FEELINGS FOR A MAN IN BLACK.

Hello blogosphere,                                

A man in black is usually someone with an impulsive nature where I come from.

This guy or lady will definately stop you even when you think you are a conservative law abiding citizen and in much of a hurry.

You’ll never know what a man in black has up on his sleeves, even if you think you already have all it takes to plead your case for something is always missing…………..

I’ve had lots of encounters with a man in black while observing my business all in the name of the law… sometimes I've been saved by grace but sometimes I've been so unlucky with my worst being when I had to do a community service the 9ja way for disobeying the red light.

I love the man in black because he's only human and sometimes it gets so worse when she is a woman. So I had a prank to take the poetic laws into my hands and I guess unlike me, it’s not so funny but that’s how it feels sometimes when you see the ugly side of a man in black.  check this out.....

A livelihood by the roadside

A staff in uniform looking so stark                                                  

Many people actually wonder if you represent lack

Or why the colour of your uniform like your mind is so dark

                                  

They hesitate when your hands says “halt!”

With the impression on their mind saying ‘’fault”

Unsure if you’re just another troubled beggar

Asking for a daily share of their ledger

As they fumble with the drawers in their car

With an expression, ‘’why’’

For a question they always hate to hear

“Where are your particulars?”(pidgin)

Or what they heared was “party cola”

And a reply they all know you like

No need to strain your ear

But search within the pockets of your gear

For the next hanging naira note

But in their minds they mime an angry reggae note

Saying

“Hey! Mr. Policeman”

“Why all this stress man!”

Is it bad belle (grudge) I feel for the ‘‘the man in black’’. I don’t think so jare! (yoruba). I lost my poetic license a long time ago but i guess I have just this one opportunity to be the law on my blog .lol

QUOTES                                                                               

This is a court of law, young man, not a court of justice. © Oliver Wendell Hommes

HOLY JOKES !!!

Certainly thought it was thanksgiving for my yankee friends and so I decided it was time for holy comedy. 

So I jumped into the church comedy manual to dig out all the hilarious I can find especially for you. So my people, abeg abeg abeg (Uti big brother) sit down, relax and enjoy.

One day a pastor and a brother took a visitor to their church on fishing trip in a boat,

Right in the middle of the lake the pastor said “it seems I have forgotten the fishing pole, I’ll be right back''and he immediately stepped out of the boat to the visitor’s amazement walking on water to the shore.

When he returned, the brother also said ‘I need to use the rest room, be right back’. The visitor watched in amazement seeing the brother also move in the same manner to the shore. On returning, the visitor then said ‘I need to use the restroom too’. As soon as he stepped out of the boat. He sank. 

The pastor and the brother now nodded laughing ‘'we should have told him where the rocks are'’. lol… photocopy no easy!(pidgin).

On the way to Sunday school, the Sunday school teacher asked her children why it is necessary to be quiet in church. One bright girl replied ‘’because people are sleeping’’.lol

Okay maybe this one will throw you off your seat?

A little boy was praying “Lord you know my name is Chinedu and I have been praying since January for you to make me a better boy”. Please, biko nu (Igbo), since you have not yet replied. Don’t worry Chineke (lgbo), I 'm having a very good time the way I am”.

If not, this one?

Another little boy was praying “Lord forgive us our trash basket, as we forgive those who put trash into our basket. Make our head like LAWMA (garbage truck) so that whenever we carry too much load. We can empty them at your feet when we come for service. And lord, please don’t forget to put lots of air fresheners in our church so that your angels will not run at the smell of our garbage.

Or this maybe this letter from a boy to his dad will do the trick,

Dear dad,

$chool i$ great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. I $imply can’t think of anything I need, $o I would like you to ju$t $end a card a$ I would love to hear from you.

Your $on

Dear son,

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task and you can never study eNOugh.

Dad.

Okay if you've not smiled or had a laugh while reading, I guess you need a dose of helium…han han (gesture).Oliver Twist!!!!....happy thanksgiving.(smiles).

 

QUOTES 
"You say, 'If I had a little more, I should be very satisfied.' You make a mistake. If you are not content with what you have, you would not be satisfied if it were doubled." Charles Haddon Spurgeon

"SHIT BUSINESS IS SERIOUS BUSINESS"

NDLEA OFFICIAL: You must shit...

INDIVIDUAL: I no go shit.

NDLEA OFFICIAL: You must shit today o.

INDIVIDUAL: Na by force, I say no dey shit.

NDLEA OFFICIAL: Whether you like am or not you must defecate o. 

INDIVIDUAL: If una like go call Jonathan, I say I no dey disintegrate o. (pidgin) lol.

Conversation ends.

Okay my people, I guess you’re thinking what this naughty guy is up to again. Really no fabs, just the many comedy questions of my continent and the green white green country.

Usually, I listen to Otunba Gadafi the owner of the 9ja company DMT toilets mention that shit business is serious business but never took him seriously until lately. I found out Otunba Gadafi was saying the truth following the saga of a 9ja popular TV comedian with the NDLEA.

If you think am joking about this "shit business", then you probably have not experienced the naughty side of this serious business yet. I usually imagine some scenario’s where this business has caused so many kakata (trouble).

You can imagine on a Sunday morning after the worship, midway the beautiful service while the pastor is giving us the word , this business suddenly visits right in the middle of the sweet sermon.(naughty imagination). lol

Or let’s say broda goodluck with his huge entourage in his many ajala (foreign) trips decided to join Osama, sorry I meant Obama and while having a press conference in the White House this shit business came knocking on broda Joe’s door during his speech.  Okay i know that can be handled with some form of presidential diplomacy.

But you know this shit business never gives you a warning at times. Usually it may give you a late signal which you must obey or cannot be contained. Ha! ha!  ha! 

I can recall a time the shit business came calling at my door at the wrong time while browsing the memoirs of my past. I had travelled to Cotonue- Benin Republic for the very first time you know to see what life was like there. I had all my Naija currency loaded and when I had changed the money to the Francs currency, I was fabulously fat in my wallet.

After enjoying my whole day visiting places and having a wonderful time, I decided to explore the night scenarios with my host which was interesting.  I remembered we got to this suya spot and I called the French “aboki” (friend”) to give me suya. I noticed their own suya had lots of chicken and other varieties. The chicken was so attractive and cheap, so I told the guy to give me a full chicken and another for my host.  I stinginly finished one whole roasted green peppered chicken suya that night all alone.

The next day after saying goodbye to my host, I took the next available bus to Lagos. Gann gannn!! (Action movie sound) this shit business decided I was the next victim on its list o. At every 10 kilometers interval from Seme border my people, it was serious trouble ooooooo. (Lol). This Kakata (trouble) made sure its knock on my door was so heavy that I kept the whole passengers waiting every time a gas station was in site. I usually told them I needed to go do some serious business . At some point I tried holding it, sweating in the process but alas! at a point I noticed my business was no longer secret as everyone kept looking back at where i was and telling me "sorry o". Kai (Hausa). lol

Finally, this business became so naughty; I had to drop down before we got to the final stop to join another bus to save my face 'cause everyone had labeled me “Mr Shit Business”. 

So when next you hear Otunba Gadafi say “shit business is serious business”, the guy is right o. Hmm!, last I heared the 9ja TV comedian is about to hit it big again in this shit business. So, who knows when NDLEA will detain next with the usual, ‘‘Mr. Man, oya shit!! ’’.

QUOTES

"Life is fun, so don't it take too seriously all time. Even your challenging moments could be a pill to put a smile on your face". Unknown

CHINESE LIU LU AND RAMSEY THEOREM.

Hi Everyone,


Chin Chua Cheng Chu Chung Chin Chang Chua (Speaking Chinese).
 

Forgive me, I've been speaking in funny tongues lately but recently been cracking my brains on what next to share on my blog until I discovered this story about a Chinese genius called Liu Lu.

Basically, I've studied most Chinese folks. I know they are usually talented mostly in the sciences, engineering and computing. I always phantom how good an average Chinese kid is with mathematics.

So I am forced to recall what my 9ja folks are known for.

Yep! football (small), music (growing), entertainment & comedy (at least), Banking (restructuring after tsunami), Fashion (we produce small but wear plenty o!!), corruption (cough! cough! , ask our excellent Otunba, UK friendly Ibori, excetera, excetera) .

I also recently recall some cool Naija blooded diaspora folks like Chris Aire. His jewelries are really bad and my guy you’ll also cough out some hard earned $ dollars to get any of his collection. 

I totally agree that Nigerians are doing Africa proudly globaly but back to my chinese story about Liu Lu (tongue twisting) before i forget . Liu Lu was actually a final year college kid who solved this mystery theory that no one had been able to prove for the past two decades just in a single night. It’s so cool that as a final year undergraduate student, he immediately got an offer from the same school for a postgraduate with a successive PHD in his field. 

Men!!!!, being a final year student in a 9ja University if I recall during my days(hmm). Your worry capacity at that time was high o, your lecturer smiling ability was second to none, your church going capacity increased and your praying ability if rated, was close to that of prophet Elijah o ..!! (lol). 

Okay, Liu Lu (yeee!! my tongue o) may have math’s solving skills but my guy an average Naija final year student will get a world medal when it comes to cracking personal or people relation skills due to the unusual experiences and encounters with lecturers. (Abeg no be joke).

I guess Liu Lu did have some extracurricular to deal with too and had extra time on his side to prove this math’s theory but my Naija blokes have cracked harder theories to graduate from our glorious Ivory towers when you sit down to listen to their personal account . If there are special awards for finally bagging a 9ja degree,  every 9ja graduate deserves one and an instant PHD offer shekina! (Hausa). `


See you in my next blog…keep on smiling for sure.



QUOTES

Those who believe they can do something and those who believe they can't are both right.
- Henry Ford

 

GETTING PAID WHILE LAUGHING !!

Hmmmm my people,

I ‘m really angry, sincerely I dey vex!! Ask me why? Life is a cheat…. a serious cheat o.

My blog people will wonder what is wrong with me this weekend. Okay, it’s the many questions of life ooo.

You don’t know what I am thinking …thinking, thinking, and thinking!!

Why is getting a good laugh suddenly becoming so expensive?

What is the definition of comedy in the literal sense in Naija? Pay me to make you laugh. (clapping!!)

Some years back I remember seeing two cheques mean't for Ali Baba (my guy) worth a handsome number and six figures by the side to perform in two shows for just 20-30 minutes each. Guess what?  I actually went for one of those shows with my friends and while everyone was enjoying their time. I was there counting 2 minutes...100,000 thousand, 4 minutes..200,000 thousand, 300,000 thousands, 400,000 thousand, 800,000 thousand, 1.. em, em!. My people within 20-30 minutes with people laughing at his jokes, “yepaaaa, money don finish oooo”! (Yoruba pidgin)

I was there shaking my head, telling myself “this people them no sabi anything” (pidgin). I saw bankers, telecoms gurus, advertising whiz kids and all the rest of them (book people). To my guy Ali B, every second in that room meant ego (money) and to us it was plenty work you know with some Sir's/Ma's in between and some heavy book titles like MSc, DDD, PDP, HDD etcetera etcetera…hmm!! . Everyday 5am to 9pm, driving back and forth o. (imagine!!!).

Then I watched AY recently performing his stunt in UK with everyone paying to watch his stunts. Okay, I know how hard it is for an average Iya Charlie (British Queen) friend of mine to let go off some notes of Iya Charlie (pounds sterling) without quickly browsing the exchange rate; they couldn’t resist AY stunts oooo. I remember being on the same flight from Port Harcourt with AY, my first time of seeing him in person. It struck me that AY was just a regular guy who knows how to make you laugh while emptying your pocket in the process.

Okay, so is life fair? Don’t ask me why I am angry again o …. Anyway, I rest my case but life is sweet!!!

My advice “Don’t be a comedian” but think twice next time your school teacher says.............. “what would you like to be when you grow up?” (lol).

Being a sharp Ajebo…….. I am already thinking, thinking and thinking!!! I know what to tell my teacher next time.. (laughing).

QUOTES                                                                               

Every thought we think is creating our future (C) Louise L. Hay

WHO WANTS TO BE A MILIONAIRE?

Hi everyone!

Okay its Sunday and I am thinking about being prosperous!

I bet everyman wants to be a Millionaire. Guess what, a Naija man is certainly an Oliver Twist and definately would not want to stop there until more zeros are added to hit the billion target which feels or definately sounds much much better. (lol!).

I reminisce on that popular American song “I wanna be a billionaire so freaking bad…..”(ego nmadu!!)

But today I’ll share this cool extract I got from a church comedy manual I found about a guy’s
conversation in the forest. The story goes………………

A man was walking through a forest pondering about life away from the busy streets to enjoy a
closer touch of nature and also feel closer to GOD away from the busy city life.

So while walking in the forest, he felt a little closer to GOD and felt God was actually listening
So he asked “God are you listening”
And a huge deep voice replied “Yes my son I am here”.

The man was a little convinced but still wondering if this voice was God’s and then pondering a little
with some curiosity he continued.

“God what is a million years to you?”
And then the voice replied “Well my son, a second to me is like a million years to you”

The guy continued walking and pondering on how he needed money so badly, looks up in the
sky and says “God what is a million dollars to you?’’.

And then the voice replied again “my son, a million dollars to me is like a penny. It has
 no value and to me that is so little.

The guy ( being an Ibo man) without thinking quickly looks up in the sky and said “God, can I have a million dollars please, since that is so little to you?’’.

And then the voice replied “wait just a second”.
The guy quickly recalling screams  ''a second, hope that ain’t a million years!!!!’’
(thinking deeply in his thoughts and saying to himself, "n nah man! this must be the devil ").

Muah!! I love Sundays, pretty cool day to have a swell time resting staying indoors, hanging out
or visiting the cinema’s whichever way you love it, enjoy the weekend....... (lol )

QUOTES

By the 7th day God had finished the work he had been doing, so on the 7th day he rested from all his work..... (C) The Bible